Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
