I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
