i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize