My first STD was from a foam party
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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