SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
