My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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