Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
