How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
