Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
