Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
