the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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