I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
