No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
