Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
