By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
