Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
