I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
