Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
