There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My room smells like vodka and shame
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
