Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
