Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
