Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
