Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
