Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
