i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
