you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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