Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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