Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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