Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
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