Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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