Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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