Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
