I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
