I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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