How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
