my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
