Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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