my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
