I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
