Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
