Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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