WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
