Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm both gender and math confused
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize