Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
