I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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