I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Everclear isn't food dammit
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