We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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