At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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