Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
