so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just had sex on a roof
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
