I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
