Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
