i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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