cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize