my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
