My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wish my penis had a tongue
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
