is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
a search helicopter?!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
