You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
