i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
